Is needing someone a bad thing? I used to think it was. Years ago, before my personal transformation, admitting that I needed someone or something would bring me face-to-face with my fears of appearing “needy” or selfish. To say that I needed love, attention, or affection made me feel rather pathetic and weak. Not something I was willing to do.
Instead I stayed quiet, dealt with whatever breadcrumbs others were giving me and slowly letting the resentment and disappointment grow. I knew I had to shift all of that if I ever wanted healthy, loving, fulfilling relationships.
Everyone has a different reaction to the word “need.” Like my old self, some resist it refusing to admit that they have needs for fear that it may make them appear weak or vulnerable. They fear being disappointed if their needs aren’t met so they deny ever having needs in order to prevent potential heartache. Others have no problem admitting that they need something and are not afraid to express this to others.
About two weeks ago, I attended an event for women in Los Angeles hosted by transformational coach, Kute Blackson. Throughout the event, Kute addressed women’s questions about the topics of men, dating, relationships, and sex.
The issue that stood out the most for me was when Kute described the 4 levels of “need.” I had done a lot work around this topic and I appreciated the simple way he explained it.
The most important thing to understand is the level of need that you experience at the moment has everything to do with what you believe about your worth.
The First Level
The first level of need is where I see most women that I work with come from. It is the feeling of needing a man or someone outside of you to make you feel complete and better about yourself. This feeling manifests in the relationship as a sort of grasping for their partner, feeling the need to control the other, being “clingy” and emotionally dependent. This attachment causes pain and complications in the relationship.
When you come from this first level of need, the underlying cause is a sense of lack. Lack of love, lack of trust, and lack of confidence. Traumas, unresolved issues from the past and wounds greatly contribute to this feeling of lack, which is why you feel that you need someone to make you whole, thus you hold on tighter to your partner.
For the longest time, I approached all of my relationships from this level of need without being consciously aware of it. From an early age I struggled with the feelings of abandonment and not being fully seen or heard. So when I met someone who made me feel really great about myself, I’d cling onto that person because I wanted more of that feeling.
By clinging onto the other person, I was only causing more pain and increasing the level of helplessness I felt. Eventually, I progressed onto the next level of need.
The Second Level
The second level is the, “I don’t need anyone. Screw everyone,” attitude. I see this the most when women say they don’t need a man, they’re “Miss Independent” but in a very guarded way.
In this level, you feel afraid to let anyone in so you build walls in order to avoid feeling vulnerable. When someone gets close, you immediately pull away. Deep down, whether you admit it to yourself or not, you want to feel deep love but fear losing yourself or your sense of independence if you allow yourself to be vulnerable with the other person.
The Third Level
In this level, you have done your inner work, have a good sense of self-esteem and feel whole within yourself. You have become self-sufficient, are able to set healthy boundaries and speak your mind. This is a very strong place to be.
In this level, you are able to express your needs and your relationships are healthy. You don’t look at vulnerability as a weakness, because you know expressing your needs requires vulnerability and you’re okay with that. However, as amazing as you may feel in this level, you still haven’t fully embraced the core essence of who you are.
The Fourth Level
This fourth level is the most powerful and magnetic. A person who embodies this level of need is extremely confident and powerfully vulnerable at the same time. Being powerfully vulnerable means you are able to need other person from a place of fullness and tenderness.
By already having embraced your personal power and having your heart open, you are able to experience deeper vulnerability without fear of being hurt, because you are free from attachments. You allow yourself to love fearlessly and fully without needing anything back, because you already are complete. Instead you need because you want to experience the co-creative energy of two complete individuals coming together who fully embrace their brilliance and do not need one another to be happy, they already are.
Wherever you are, be easy with yourself without any judgments. Becoming aware of what you are experiencing in this moment is the first step in the journey of self-love and self-actualization. I will address how to transition from the levels and honor your needs in an upcoming post.
What level do you feel you are coming from? Please comment and let’s continue the conversation!